I've been blessed with good health, an amazing son and incredible people in my life that I've met along the way. Family isn't in that blessing. Family is hard and you're pretty much stuck with who your family is. Some believe that you chose your family before you are born. I have a hard time with that concept, except to say that maybe my karma sucked and I have to make amends somehow.
My idea for the ideal family is taking interest in each other's lives. My family has never been one of great communicators. I'm actually the touchy, feeley one, I believe, because I've been surrounded by Virgos and Scorpios who don't believe in touch feeley anything. Interestly, my father was a Libra. All my dearest friends seem to be Libra's, but my father was not a typical Libra. I always thought he was a Virgo and that's why our relationship was the way it was. After he died, I realized that I inherited my wanderlust from my father, the Libra. And because the doctor's got Thomas' due date wrong, I have another Libra in my life. I was praying that he make it to the end of September and be a Libra, rather than another Virgo in my life. Maybe that's the good karma coming through. I've earned an incredible best friend, brilliant thinker and living up to his potential son. Maybe I'm on the right track to earning karma points back.
Virgos, from a December baby's perspective are tough and stand-offish. There is no sense of being part of a family unit between the two Virgos in my life and myself. When my father died, his wife moved the day of the memorial service up a day, and I could not get there in time. They did it anyway, and I never went. No one stood up and said, "hey, know what, Karyle was his only daughter, don't you think we should wait for her?" Nope. Never happened. I forgive them, but my relationship with his wife is irretreivable. I'd like to retreive it, but its easier sometimes to pick your battles, and this one is too personal. I can live without her in my life. My brothers on the other hand, are my brothers and I can forgive them. I don't think they have any cajones for not standing up for me, but I do forgive them.
And here's the thing, it doesn't really matter to any of us. I'm 2500 miles away for a reason. The Cohen clan has always been very distant with each other. Honestly I think it is a trust issue, but I can't imagine what started this behaviour in all of us. Out of sight out of mind should not be in the family equation. I keep expecting a different reception and everytime I come away disappointed that I don't have the type of family that sticks together and sticks up for each other and actually talks to one another. You've got your life, we've chosen to keep ours out of yours. I love being the black sheep of the family. At least I give them something to talk about, although I wouldn't know that for a fact.
I checked out of my family a long time ago. We had some great adventures, camping and river rafting and horseback riding and boy scouts and music. Somewhere along the way things changed and everyone shut down to each other. I feel closest to my youngest brother, yet he didn't want his picture taken with me at our nephew's Bar Mitzvah. My middle brother has had his issues and I think the last time we truly talked one-on-one for any length of time was back in middle school. Everyone has a damaged family at some level. Mine seems to be damaged at all levels.
Then there is my mother, the Scorpio. One of us had bad karma to get the other in our lives. My mother has always been beautiful, smart, athletic and a real piece of work. Somehow we start at a nice place (most of the time) and next thing you know, hurtful things are being said to each other. I would stand in front of a bus for her, but I can't help but wonder why we are so abrassive to each other. The day she told me that I would be the one to care for her in her dottage (my family lives to 100), because I was the only girl only had me thinking are you kidding me? That whole mother/daughter dynamic is not pretty. God bless her and keep her, far away from me.
I love my family and am very, very proud of them. I just need to accept them as they are and let 'em be.
Karyle,
ReplyDeleteAcceptance of family has been hard for me too. I do not have the relationship with my mother I would so much like to have.
Knowing your family personally, I know that this has been a struggle. I struggled when I dated your brother to understand why he wouldn't participate in certain things and why he was the way he was, but I loved him at the time. I am sad that he feels the need to keep himself so apart from everyone and that he has blocked my facebook messaging, but I know it is not me, it's him. I wish for him nothing but happiness and that's also what I wish for you.
You cannot choose your family, but you can choose where you live and how you react to them. This is the lesson I am learning slowly. And I know that no matter how much they piss me off, I'm going to love them anyway. I still go through the wringer with my own mother every few months, but when it came time for her to have her surgery because she got cancer and had to have her leg removed, I was blessed that she allowed me to be there, as much for me as for her. She maybe didn't need me but I needed to be there.
I am so sorry they did not hold your father's memorial service for you to get there. That must have been incredibly hurtful. Forgiving is a very tough road and I still find it hard to forgive my own brother for some of the things that happened when we were children, but I have come to a place where I can accept him for who he is and it only took me almost 47 years.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
Chelle